I went grocery shopping on Tuesday after work. 

I’ve been doing pretty good about not buying lunch from greasy (delicious), addictive fast food places during work hours.  I figured, what the heck, I’ll keep that up.  See where that takes me. After my field trip of comparing nutritional charts from various  cow/duck/Indian competing organic products I get a phone call from my younger brother, “Can you pick me up some Mc D’s.” 

This isn’t God punishing me, no, God doesn’t punish, He tests.

But of course, like every emotional overeater out there, I failed horribly.  After ordering well over 10 dollars of one dollar menu items I figured I deserved some fries.  Some golden, crispy, salty, finger licking good fries. . .despite the fact that all I could picture in the back of my mind was the cover of SUPER SIZE ME.   I drive up to pay and hand over my handy dandy visa check card.  I love that thing, I’m going to miss it when society modernizes to chips injected in your thumb with all your banking information. . .I’ll just think back to the good ole days where we all carried little plastic cards in these things called wallets. 

The cashier kindly informs me that my card has been declined.  He tried it twice.  I just paid well over forty dollars at the grocery store, there’s no way.  Try it again (dummy!)

Declined.

Well ain’t that a kick in the ass.  By that time I really needed those fries!! I get home and look at my account online and everything is fine.  My money is all there.  I sit back and relax and think to myself. . WOW, GOD REALLY LOVES ME!  Divine intervention at its best.  My grandchildren will one day get a kick out of this story.  To bad the bro had to suffer and eat leftovers.   

Fast forward to today. 

I get home and there’s a “FRAUDULENT” letter in the mail.  You should see this thing, it’s something that looks like my feet typed it and printed out.  No seal, nothing.  Just a letter saying, “Dear Ms. Claudia, we believe there have been fraudulent charges on your visa bank card from Mexico City. Please call us right away.” 

Pfft. . .whatever dudes!  I’m not falling for that one.  I’ve seen it a million times, these schmucks with their little white, security window envelopes thinking they’re all professional.  I know exactly what’s going to happen.  I call, I verify it’s me by giving them my social security and my mama’s social security, ha! Not falling for that one.

So my sister calls, after all she does work at a bank.  I hear those letters fool any teller.  She quickly gives them the reference number on the letter continued with three, “Uh-huh’s” and hangs up. 

“So yeah, someone in Mexico City charged 600 bucks 5 times on your card.”

WHATCHUTALKINBOUTWILLIS?

NO WAY!  My card is right here.

There’s no way. . see, look I’ll prove it by showing you my bank account. *click, click, clickiitty,  click*  As you can clearly see my account. . . IS FUCKING NEGATIVE?! WTFuckity FUCK?!

Yes that’s right people.  Divine intervention my fucking ass! I’m a fraud victim!  ME?! How my info got to Mexico City is beyond me!! Wasn’t my thumb chip though.. . both of them are still intact as is my check card which is safely tucked away in those thing-a-ma-bobbers people keep their plastic cards in.

 I’ve processed everything through my head.  I received the info too late to go to the bank tonight.  I will be going up there first thing tomorrow morning if the huge ICE STORM that’s suppose to be hitting Dallas  doesn’t get in my way.

 I’ve gone online and read everything I could get my hands on.  It might affect my credit and reality is it might take up to 90 days to clear this up.  We might even have to have a lawyer involved.

 Which means the following: 

• The guy I passed on my way to work this morning asking for money is probably way richer than I am right now.
• Numero dos. . .I have to call every company I have automatically drafting payments sometime soon so I can make other arrangements.
• I have no credit cards, seeing as I had a little cut them up and throw them away party last year when I became OFFICIALLY DEBT free.
• I don’t know if I can get one now, since apparently this is affecting my credit as we speak.
• I have to talk to my bosses soon and see if I can get my next check transferred to a different account seeing as I do have direct deposit.  If not, I’ll be officially broke until the 15^th of next month.
• If this takes up to 90 days to fix, I’ll be reliving my late teens and early 20’s.  Hey, I’ve lived off of paycheck to paycheck before. .  .i can do it again, YAY!!! 

I’ve come to the conclusion that with the love the universe has so kindly bestowed upon me as of 2008, I’ll mostly likely have a flat tire tomorrow.  Oh and did I mention, I have almost no gas in my car . . .

The only thing that keeps me from scratching out my eyeballs is the fact that this is just money. . that’s all it is.  Paper.  You fix money problems with money. . .it’s the love and health issues one should really worry about. . even with money, you sometimes can’t fix those problemas. . .