The Call

I woke up early today and worked throughout the day, but it doesn’t seem like I’ve made a dent in my inbox.

I sent out 30 emails today, most of who responded up to 7 times in regards to changes on their design.  So most of my day, instead of working on something new to get that inbox to go down, I was tweeking this or that.

I love what I do, please don’t get me wrong, this is really a typical designers day.

I came home and took a pretty good nap and then started to work some more with the TV playing in the background.  I did some work, which I feel good about.  Darn nap though, it did good, but a bit too good.  It’s almost midnight as I type this and I’m freakin’ wide awake.

I think I have something more to blame then my nap though.  I took a bit of a break and went to grab a snack and came back to check my phone.  I had a missed call from a number I didn’t recognize.  I looked at it for a bit and thought it was weird.  But then again, I got my smackberry back in August and I have yet to put all my numbers in there.

The voice on the other end sounded familiar, but I couldn’t recognize it. After awhile, I realized who it was and I couldn’t freakin’ believe it.  I use to work this guy, S, long ago and he was one of my biggest fans and I really think of him as a mentor.  Actually, I really think I have a lot of different mentors. In fact, a lot of you guys who I go to advice on a weekly basis who read this thing, u know I consider you a mentor, right?

So catch up on the latest, you know regular questions, “how’s the wife, how’s the kids?” then it was his turn: “What’s new with you? How are your friends and family…ARE YOU FAMOUS YET?”

I laughed and gave him the 411 of what’s been going on.  But unlike everyone else he didn’t say, “OMG that’s awesome, you’re a graphic designer!”  No, he said, “So what’s the next step.”

-Survive my busy season.

No Claudia, I mean what’s next, what are you working towards.  What do you want to be?

I told him about the dreams that I have about maybe semi-starting to shoot professionally next year.  I have a bunch of applications printed out and I’m waiting for January to kick in to just get this off the ground.

Well, that sounds good.  But are the applications filled out at all yet?

-Well no, it’s not even November yet, they will be.

S sighed pretty big and gave it to me straight.  Didn’t even give me a second to explain or anything and he laid it all on the table.  He said he didn’t understand this fear I have.  I apparently have big ideas, big views, big thoughts, big plans…and here I am standing still.  He went on to remind me of everything I’ve walked away from in my life.  The applications I never sent off, the positions I never applied for, the classes I never took to get certified for this or that, the cities I never moved to for the job they wanted me for…

“What do you fear? What is holding you back?  You were suppose to be famous by now! Stop making other people rich and go be famous already!”

These huge tears just started forming because I started to feel like a real loser.  He kept reassuring me that he wasn’t calling me to purposely make me cry.  I do know that, he’s not purposely mean to me.  He just wants me to pursue my dreams.   And after we hung up I kind of just kept thinking and thinking.

You know, I don’t have this luxury to  just stop what I’m doing and start a new career path where I own my company.  I don’t have the financial back up incase it backfires.

So I sat down and thought of the best way to get to be “FAMOUS.”  I wrote up a little pro’s list, ideas galore and I have more to add, and I dont know what I’m going to do yet, or how I’m going to do it, but damn that push in the ass this late at night has my emotions just all over the place.

I have such a “Walk-the-line” complex, I fear the unknown.  As optimistic as a person I may be, as far as for me, I always expect the worse.  I have this fear that my photography skills/style is not something that would be requested by many and if I were to go full throttle into a business with this (so-called) talent of mine, it would bomb.

As an artist, knowing that your work is underappreciated is a horrible feeling.

But then there’s this part of me, way deep down inside that is screaming at me just like S was.

You know, I don’t know where I’m going with this actually, I just had to let it out…maybe you’re feeling the same way and you have some encouraging words or advice…ass-kicking already received, thanks!