Be True to Your Heart, It Never Fails

I decided to take a break from cleaning my closet tonight and catch up on my blog reading, which to be honest with you, was probably a terrible decision. I’ve been siting at my computer for the last past hour reading up on one of my favorite photography bloggers (Zack Arias) and now I feel this writing muse upon me.

A couple of months ago, Arias posted an entry called Transform for Scott Kelby’s blog (a photoshop Guru, awesome guy). The video is just one of those must see video’s. It’s inspiring and real…

Well, the reason I’m mentioning this entry is because while I was reading his blog tonight and catching up on missed entries I stumbled upon an entry where a photographer wrote about how he watched his video many times, has been inspired, but still has no ambition to pick up on his photography hobby. He lists a whole bunch of issues…no photography schooling, not great equipment, lack of ambition, too busy. (You can read that entry here. )

As I read this guys email to Arias, I felt this very recognizable feeling in his words. I was there…for years. I just started my photography business and let me tell you, it has taken me FOREVER to get here. Photography has been a part of my life for a long time now and I am completely, utterly…IN LOVE with it. I think about it constantly, I can talk about it all day, I’m never bored in any kind of photography class, I take pictures with any camera I have handy…you get the gist.

I started taking pictures and posting them on Flickr when flickr was still in the, “What’s that” stage. i would get comments from friends and family, people started asking me to take their portrait, so I did. I loved it. But the more and more I posted, the more comments I would get and the more self conscious i would become about my photography. I felt like i had to live up to some sort of expectation to people and i became so self conscious. I would ask people what they thought about my pictures before I posted them on Flickr and THEN i would post them if I got enough, “I like the picture” comment. It’s ridiculous sounding, I know…but it’s the truth. People started asking me about my prices and I didn’t have any and then I’d turn them down because I was scared i’d ruin their portrait session and I didn’t think my equipment was good enough. The list goes on.

I would put my camera up for months and just leave it in the closet to collect dust, but every day, some way or another, I would get my “photography” fill by going online or reading books about it. The thing about something you love with all your heart, is that it’s very hard to quit and let it go. You let it stand there, or sit still, sometimes time will make it go away, the love you feel…but if it’s strong enough, it’s still there the second you have contact with it. Then there I went again, shooting like crazy. I’d get ask the same questions, “How much for a session? Can you take my picture…”

And I would get self conscious again. “Is that a good picture? What do you think? Is that okay? I’m not as good as this photog or that one…I could do way better. Ugh, what was i thinking?” It’s the fear of committing to this one thing that is a “hobby” and failing terribly at it once it’s even more a part of you. And the fear for me was that I would get to a point where I would hate it so much and I would be incomplete because I love it so much, and then I’d feel empty.

Earlier this year, something happened this one particular day. It started out with coffee in the morning and me getting home at 2:30 p.m. writing down in a notebook all these ideas I had to get a photography business off the ground. The best I can compare this moment too (which I would share, but it is actually pretty private…i know, me private? LOL…yeah, surprisingly so, i can be sometimes) the time I was 13 and i “decided” to stop believing in God.

I come from a very religious family who is very Christian and maybe it was the teenager in me, I really don’t remember to be honest, but this one day I decided to stop believing in God. My parents of course, rolled their eyes and let me go on my merry Athiest way…because they’re pretty smart parents and they know I’d figure it out. My aunts on the other hand…started a prayer chain. We’d have prayer circles and it was a straight up scene from some sort of psychological mind draining movie. Just picture it, me in the middle while my aunts would hold hands and randomly put their hand on my head to pray for me.

One day, I’m walking outside and I’m just admiring the sky and the sunset. I love sunsets. I love the blue’s and purples and pinks, oranges…reds…and I just remember looking at the sky and thinking to myself, “That is just so GORGEOUS.” Sunsets never seize to amaze me. The more I stared at it the more I realized that no MAN could have created that. There had to be a God. Even while trying my hardest not to believe in him, for me, it’s just easier to believe in him.

That’s how I feel about my photography. I tried so hard, for years with doubt, questions, fear to push it away…when it’s just easier for me to have it in my life.

While reading that email the guy sent to Arias, I kept thinking in my head how horrible it is to feel that way. To love something so much and you just can’t have it as part of your life because you keep making excuses, when it’s just so much easier to accept it as part of you. Arias posted an entry right after about a soap sales man that walked into his door filled with hope. To put it in his words, “God knocked on my Door as a Soap Salesman.” (Video here.)

There is something that he says that I’m going to type up for you in case you decide to skip the video:

“…insecurity…that’s me believing that I’m insignificant or not important without acceptance or approval from other people. And when you’re under that state of mind it allows you to be manipulated by bad influences…You don’t acquire success by being insecure or by whistling dixie, but through hard work, sacrifices and discipline.”

He also said…

“I think the main thing…that I would want too…if I could put out there is that sometimes you just got to do what you got to do, you know? And put it in God’s hands, and you can’t never allow yourself to believe that you’re not important or that you’re insignificant without acceptance or approval, or without, you know, the latest haircut or the latest sneakers or whatever. And the reality that I’ve come to conclusion is, is that everything takes time, you know. YOu have to be patient with yourself and kind of pace yourself. Get through small goals and large goals and let them coincide so that when you achieve your small goals you’re getting closer and closer to your larger goals. But you’re continually growing at the same time building your confidence and your self esteem. And that goes for everybody…the rich, the poor, it doesn’t matter. Because, I think, you know, from my experience going door to door, I found that everybody from every status, they find themselves in the gloomiest states of mind at times, depressed states of mind. And i think we just have to learn how to pick happy things, happy thoughts out, or find things that are motivating to us. And not dwell on those things right there, because it’s so easy to fall into a slump and then use that slump as an excuse to make bad choices or to give up. In the end, you gotta realize that you’re not living for yourself, even if you don’t have children or family, I found that you can be the most unpopular individual but there’s still somebody out there wanting to be like you. So God has placed that responsibility on you to walk a certain way because your not just helping yourself, you’re helping the next person.”

Truly inspiring.

As for me, I may fail terribly at my photography biz, I may not. I don’t know the answer to that…trust me, I have a million things going through my head that make me wonder…

Will today be the day I break my camera?
What if the session goes wrong?
What if it rains on my session?
What if my card reader craps out on me and I can’t download the images?
What if the client is not happy?
Will the kids smile for me?

OH the list goes on and on and on. But those what if’s are always going to be there, the difference between now and then is they’re not stopping me anymore.

Gosh…that feels so good to actually type.

THEY’RE NOT STOPPING ME ANYMORE!!!!

At least I’m trying. If anything else, I have that. My mom says that in life when you do something that you truly love and are passionate about and in the end it doesn’t turn out the way you expected…if anything, know this…you did it with your heart, and as long as you’re true to yourself and true to your heart, you really didn’t fail.

P.S. Here’s another entry I found very inspiring as well as far as photography is involved.