The Year of the Notebook Incident

I’m uploading a couple of Christmas cards to my printing company and I’m working on a Christmas Mix CD for someone. An awesome Christmas CD i might add.

I mean, you can pretty much smell gingerbread seeping through my pores!  I probably taste like a peppermint bark right now! LOL

I frickin’ love Christmas. I love the goodies. I love the holiday parties. I love the holiday cocktails. LOL. I love the word love. Totally not related, but i made one of those twitter clouds and I have come to the conclusion that my friend is right! I do use the word LOVE a whole bunch. LOL

With Christmas around the corner, it makes me think of so many amazing memories i have embedded in my head. Here’s one of my favorites…I call it…The year I watched the Notebook at my Abuelita’s House….

Have you seen The Notebook? Well if you haven’t, this is a spoiler, so if you want to see it, I suggest you stop reading now.

Anyhoo, you know that sex scene where they kiss outside in the rain, and he carries her inside and then she’s up against the wall all on him. Yanks her shirt off perfectly. Then he carries her to the bed and he takes her clothes off perfectly. . and it’s just so perfect. . the rhythm of the breathing the length of the sex, etc etc. . you know. . it’s like girl porn. Totally.

It’s just perfect. Nothing like that ever happens in real life. You ever hear of Bill Engvall’s skit on sex? How he’s trying to be hot and sexy. . so he takes off his wife’s underwear and throws it across the room. . .like they do in the movies. . . (never seen that movie. .ahaha). . . .and the dog brings it back to him. LOL! Funny stuff. .

Well anyways, back to the movie. When I go to my Abuelita’s for Christmas, I take a whole bunch of movies with me because one of my cousins will end up coming over and we can just watch a movie and chill. Well, as many of you know, my Abuelita is very Pentecostal. You know. . muy hermana. And The Notebook. . .isn’t too Pentecostal. . .if you catch my drift.

Well, I’m in the living room on the 25th, late afternoon, watching the movie with my Tia Nancy and her daughter, my cousin Nancita. As we’re watching the movie, the first sex scene (almost sex scene) comes on. All of a sudden I hear those footsteps. The slow footsteps of my grandmother. . .as she walks towards the kitchen (which is right next to the living room) for something. I don’t move, b/c I know what’s on TV. . .and I feel like a little kid who just got caught doing something really bad. So she gets there at the part where they’re naked looking at each other. . ahahaha!

And it’s so funny because I realize that both my aunt and my cousin have stopped breathing as well! AHAHA! So my Abuelita pauses and asks what we’re watching. No one replies. And then she realizes what she’s seeing on the TV, and she says, “Aye ese mugrero!” Which basically translates to. . .ugh, that filth! So she leaves and goes back to her room. And we three pretend we didn’t hear her. . .or at least I did.

Then the second sex scene comes on. . and here she comes again. HOW DOES SHE TIME THIS STUFF! And this sex scene is hot and heavy. . .girl porn as I mentioned earlier. . . and she comes to tell us that the hermanos from church are coming over to hang out. So to turn our mugrero off. So we, “ah man,” and do as she requests.

About and hour and half later, after the hermanos leave. . .we head over to my Tia Sonia’s room and put the DVD on there, b/c we still haven’t finished watching the movie. So it’s my aunt, me, and my cousin laying on my Tia Sonia’s queen size bed, and we’re about to put the movie on. My aunt tells me to put it on right before the sex scene b/c that’s where we left off. So I do.

And right when they’re doing it. . yep, you guessed it. .Abuelita and her two paces a minute walk into the room to grab something. OH GOOD LORD! ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME?! And I have the control. . I can pause it.. . .but all I want is to fast forward. . or time to hurry and move quickly so the sex scene is over. It was the looooongest sex scene of my LIFE! She kept saying under her breath, mugrero!

Finally she walks out.. and we are all quiet. .and my aunt finally says, “Good Lord WOMAN! Like she doesn’t know what sex is. . come on she had 9 kids. Shit. .it aint something new!”

My cousin and I just started cracking up and laughed for a good 5 minutes.

So I pushed play again. . . and my aunt wanted me to rewind it to the part we left off before we were interrupted!

On my way home I was telling my mom. . and I asked her if she’s ever had sex under Abuelita’s roof. She said, “Ni lo mande Dios!” (God forbid!)

That’s it. . .if I ever take my man to my Abuelita’s house, I’m having sex with him in that house. . someone’s got to break that cherry. . who knows. . it might throw the whole universe out of whack for a bit.

Plus I’m going to need something to keep me warm. My grandmother doesn’t believe in heating or air conditioner…but that’s a whole ‘nother blog entry. hehehee.

P.S. I really wish I had this amazing and incredible voice to sing Angels we have heard on high with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

P.S.S. If your reading this, you’ll be getting a probably kind late, but pretty awesome christmas card from me.  I kind of haven’t gotten to it because…well i have a good excuse dang it!!! This year my Ghost of Christmas Present got laid-off.